Cullen Randomness!
by taylorduncan
Summary: Basically just a bunch of one-shots combined into one story. TEAM ALICE AND TEAM JASPER! WARNING: THIS STORY MAY CAUSE HYSTERIC LAUGHTER. GAY HUMOR NO OFFENSE TO GAYS. CONTAINS DRUG REFERENCE AND DEATH DONT READ THIS IF YOU DONT WANNA SEE JASPER SHIRTLESS
1. Hannah Montana!

**Okay so I was really bored and I was like "Hey, I should write a story about the Cullens being random!" So I did. Hehehe! So this chapter was inspired by my little brother. He was watching tv and he turned on Hannah Montana. So I don't know how that was inspiring but it was. I already have the next chapter ready so, if I get at least one review then I will update soon! Hey that kinda rhymed! Yay for rhyming! **

*Alice, Bella, and Rosalie are sitting on the couch watching Hannah Montana*

"You get the beeeeeest of both worlds! Chillin out take it slow! Then you rock out the show!" Alice sang. Bella and Rosalie joined in then Emmett walked in. "Ooh Hannah Montana!" he squealed like a little girl. They watched Hannah Montana for hours. Then it ended.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" they all screamed together and started dry sobbing. Then Wizards of Waverly Place came on and Emmett said "Selena Gomez is hot!" and Rosalie threw him out the window.

**Okay so that was like really short but it looked WAY longer on my iPod. SORRY! Review and I will update!**


	2. What the Hale!

**Okay so this story was inspired by Jasper. Btw if you don't know this already I'm Alice. LOVE YOU! =)**

*Alice is sitting on the couch with Jasper when Rosalie skips down the stairs with her hair in pig tails and she's wearing a pink dress.*

"Rosalie! What the Hale are you wearing? I did NOT buy that for you!" Alice screamed angrily.

"Did you just say 'What the Hale'?" Jasper asked.

"Yes, I did," Alice said.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I don't want to say 'h' 'e' double hockey stick!" she exclaimed.

"Why not?" he asked confusedly.

"Because It's a bad word!" she said in shock.

"Hell is not a bad word," he said.

"Yes, it is," she said.

"NO, it isn't"

"YES, it is"

"NO, IT ISN'T"

"YES, IT IS"

"NO, IT ISN'T!"

"YES, IT IS!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO"

"NO"

"YES"

"HA!" she screamed.

"DANG!" he yelled.

"Okay then now that I win –as usual- let's go ride into the sunset on your motorcycle," Alice suggested.

"Okay," Jasper said.

"Take your shirt off!" she said excitedly.

"Why?" he asked.

"So, we can appreciate your abs!" she yelled.

"Okay!" he yelled back.

So, Alice and a shirtless Jasper rode off into the sunset on his sexy motorcycle.

And, the world was good.


	3. Alice and Jasper Talk Weird!

**Okay so this story was inspired by Robert Pattinson's smexxi British accent. REVIEW!**

*Alice and Rosalie are sitting on the couch talking about fashion*

"Oh em jay I love your outfit today Rose!" Alice exclaimed.

"You picked it out," Rosalie said and rolled her eyes.

"I know! I'm a genius aren't I?" Alice said.

*Jasper walks into the room*

Jasper walked into the room and Alice said, "Hey smexxi husband!"

"Hello pixie wife!" Jasper said.

"Oh, how I love you so" Alice said in a British voice.

"Why, I love you too darling. Let us go drink tea," Jasper said also talking in a British voice.

"We don't eat chiz-brains. And we're not British!" Rosalie screamed.

"Thanks a lot Rosalie! You totally ruined it yo!" Alice screamed now talking in a weird voice again.

"Yeah, homie. What the fuzz?" Jasper said immediately acting all ghetto like Alice.

"Now you're acting ghetto?" Rosalie asked.

"That's right! It's lil Alice and Big J, yo!" Alice said while making gang signs.

*Charlie shows up*

"I'm arresting you for being in a gang!" he screams.

"WHAT? I AIN'T IN NO GANG, YO!" Alice exclaimed.

"Turn around and let me check your pockets for drugs," Charlie ordered.

"Um, obvious much?" Rosalie asked sarcastically.

*Alice turns around and Charlie searches her pockets*

"I don't have any drugs, homie," Alice said.

*Charlie pulls out crack and marijuana*

"What is this?" Charlie asked and held up the drugs.

"Well sir I believe those are drugs. I don't know how they got there though!" Alice exclaimed.

"Yeah right. Tell it to the judge midget" Charlie said.

"But these aren't my pants yo!" Alice exclaimed.

"Then whose are they?" Charlie said sarcastically.

"They're Mike Newton's! I'll show you! He's wearing my pants because I decided I wanted him to look gay and I wanted to be gangsta," Alice said.

"Where's Mike?" Charlie asked.

"He's down in our basement," Alice said.

"Why is he in your basement?" Charlie asked.

"Rosalie flicked his head and he died," Alice explained.

"It's not my fault he has a soft skull," Rosalie said.

"Okay then take me to the basement," Charlie said.

*They walk to the basement and see Mike Newton dead*

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Charlie screams like a little girl and ran away.

"What the fuzz?" Alice mumbled to herself.

"Okay don't hurt me and I won't arrest you," Charlie said.

"Okay!" Alice said happily.

"Whatever," Rosalie said and rolled her eyes.

"I got yo back, homie," Jasper said.

"Okay then. I will be going now," Charlie said.

"Wait Charlie! One more thing. Come here," Rosalie said.

*Alice giggles*

"There's something in your hair," Rosalie said with an evil smile.

*Jasper laughs and Charlie stares at them*

"There's something in my hair?" he asks.

"Yeah," Rosalie said.

"Bye-Bye Charlie!" Alice, Rosalie, and Jasper say at the same time.

*Rosalie moves at vampire speed to stand in front of Charlie and she reaches up to his head and slaps it. . . . Everyone laughs. . . . Charlie dies. . . . They all laugh harder*

**Okay this chapter isn't very good but I love lil Alice and Big J and I just HAD to write this. =) REVIEW AND I WILL LET YOU JOIN ALICE AND JASPER'S RAP GROUP! =P**


	4. Lady GayGay

**Okay so this story was inspired by something that I saw on Fuse Tv last night. It was called Lady GaGa Takeover. It was the chiz. REVIEW!**

*Alice and Rosalie are sitting on the couch playing Monopoly when Emmett walks in the room wearing a Lady GaGa belly shirt, pants with "GooGoo for GaGa" written in glitter, a disco stick, a Lady GaGa wig, Lady GaGa shoes, and a Lady GaGa purse*

"Emmett! What the Hale are you wearing?" Rosalie exclaimed angrily.

"Lady GaGa's clothes!" Emmett yelled in a gay voice.

"What the fuzz Emmett? Why are you talking in a gay voice?" Rosalie screamed louder this time.

"Because Lady GaGa is a HUGE supporter for gay rights and I'M a huge supporter for Lady GaGa so I'm acting gay! . . . Even though I'm not," Emmett explained.

"EMMETT GET OUT OF THOSE CLOTHES RIGHT NOW!" Rosalie screamed.

"FINE!" Emmett screamed back.

*Emmett took off his pants and shirt*

"WHAT. THE. FUZZ." Rosalie said.

*All Emmett was wearing was the wig and he was wearing a Lady GaGa thong*

"_**YOU'RE WEARING A THONG?" **_ Rosalie screamed angrily and louder than ever.

"That's right! There weren't any Lady GaGa boxers and there were only thongs. So I bought one," Emmett explained.

*Meanwhile Alice was rolling on the floor howling with laughter. If she could cry she would be right now*

"SHUT UP AND CALM DOWN ALICE!" Rosalie screamed.

_*Five days later*_

*They were still standing there and Alice finally stopped laughing*

"You should change your name to Lady GayGay" Alice said calmly.

*She had another burst of hyena laughter and this time it lasted for two weeks*

Then Jasper walked in and said "Wow! Emmett's gay! I knew it!".

"I'm not gay. I just love Lady GaGa," Emmett said.

"Oh okay then," Jasper said.

"Hey Jazzy let's go ride into the sunset on your smexxi motorcycle!" Alice exclaimed.

"Okay, let's go," Jasper said.

*They get on the motorcycle*

"HEY YOU CAN TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!" Alice screamed.

"OKAY!" Jasper yelled.

*Jasper takes off his shirt*

"Now we can fully appreciate your hawtness!" Alice screamed.

"Yay for my hotness!" Jasper yelled.

*They rode off into the sunset*

**NO OFFENSE TO GAYS! I don't want to offend anybody with this story and I LOVE Lady GaGa. I really hope I didn't offend anybody and I LOVE YOU! REVIEW AND I WILL GIVE YOU THE LETTER Q! BAD RHYMAGE!**


	5. Alice and Esme Build A Tree House

**Thank you so much to Malligator Hale for reviewing! I LOVE reviews so if you guys read my story and you like it . . . REVIEW! If you hate it . . . REVIEW! Review if you love me, review if you hate me. Good or bad, I don't care! =D**

*Alice and Esme are building a tree house for the girls to hang out in*

"Esme, you know what we should build next?" Alice asked.

"What?" Esme asked.

"We should build a shed for dead bodies!" Alice said excitedly.

"WHAT?" Esme screamed.

"Well, Mike Newton showed up and-" she started to say but was cut off by Esme.

"Mike Newton showed up?" Esme asked.

"Yeah," Alice said.

"How? When?" Esme asked.

"Well I don't really know how. He sorta just popped up, yesterday," Alice explained.

"Popped up?" Esme asked.

"Yeah! You know, like in a movie!" Alice said.

"Okay, then. So, how did he die?" Esme asked.

"Well, Rosalie got mad at him and flicked his head," Alice explained.

*Mike Newton pops in . . . AGAIN*

"Yeah. And it hurt REALLY BAD!" a dead Mike Newton screamed.

*Esme screams and runs away*

"What the Hale, Newton?" Alice yelled.

*Rosalie pops in*

"I thought I killed you already!" Rosalie screamed.

"Yeah, you did. I came back to haunt you guys," Mike said with a smile.

"You can't haunt us. We're vampires," Alice said.

"YOU'RE VAMPIRES?" Mike screamed.

"Yeah. I'm going to kill you know," Rosalie said.

"Wait, wait, no! Don't-" Mike said but was cut off by Rosalie smacking his head and killing him for the second time.

"Okay well I guess I'm done now. Bye, Alice," Rosalie said.

"Will you get Esme for me?" Alice asked.

"Sure," Rosalie replied.

"Thanks," Alice said.

"Your welcome," Rosalie said and left.

*Rosalie returns with Esme*

"You okay, Esme?" Alice asked.

"Yeah, I think so. It just freaked me out because you said he was dead and he was here. Also, he just popped in! It was so scary!" Esme screamed.

"It's okay, Esme," Alice said.

*Alice hugs Esme*

"Let's build this tree house!" Alice said with over-enthusiaism.

"Okay!" Esme said with over-enthusiasm like Alice's.

So, they built the tree house and it was amazing.

**Okay, so this one didn't have any inspiration except the fact that I was bored and wanted to write this. Review! =)**


	6. Don't Like It, Don't Read It!

**Okay so this story was inspired by yours truly. I was like "Don't like it, don't read it". Lol. And people keep hating on my story "What Should Have Happened" and that's why I said that. So, PLEASE stop sending bad reviews! It even says in the summary that it is POORLY WRITTEN! So, PLEASE STOP! Anyhoo! I LOVE YOU! OMG ACCIDENTAL RHYMAGE!**

*Alice and Rosalie were sitting on the couch reading fanfiction stories*

"OH MY GOSH! "xXx Alice the Pixie xXx" is such an amazing author! I love her story, "What Should Have Happened"! It is so poorly written, it's funny! She is so amazing!" Alice screamed.

"I know! But, people keep sending bad reviews!" Rosalie yelled sadly.

"WHAT? BGDFUVUH! THAT IS JUST _WRONG_!" Alice screamed.

"I KNOW RIGHT!" Rosalie agreed.

**YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Sorry it was so short but I just wanted to send out the message that it is WRONG when you guys hate on my story, "What Should Have Happened". REVIEW! **


	7. Double Vision

**Okay so I know I haven't updated in a while. I'm not sure how long it's been. But I'm sorry! I'm going to update I Can't Believe It's Actually Real tonight but first I wanna do this story first as a warm-up… sorta… yeah… haha lol… okay… TO THE STORY! (that was so WEIRD! lol) oh yeah this story was inspired by Double Vision by 3Oh!3 I LOVE THEM!**

_*Alice and Bella were listening to Double Vision by 3Oh!3*_

"Cause there's so many fine women, that my head is spinnin' and I've lost all feelin', everybody's singin' like 'Hey!' na na na 'Hey! Hey!' na na na na," Alice sang.

"I LOVE THIS SONG!" Bella screamed.

"I KNOW ME TOO! WHOOOOO!" Alice screamed.

"LET'S DANCE!" Bella screamed.

"YEAH!" Alice agreed.

They started dancing and suddenly Mike Newton appeared.

"YEAH PARTY!" Mike screamed.

"GET OUT MIKE!" Alice screamed.

"YEAH! YOU'RE SO UGLY!" Bella yelled.

"AND GAY!" Alice added.

"YOU GUYS ARE SO MEAN!" Mikey screamed and burst into tears. Then he ran out the door, screaming and crying like a little girl.

"THANK GOD HE LEFT!" Alice said happily.

"I KNOW! LET'S LISTEN TO JUST THE WAY YOU ARE BY BRUNO MARS NOW!" Bella suggested.

"YEAH!" Alice agreed excitedly.

**Okay so that was really stupid. I know. Next chapter they're going to dance around to Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars. Eddie and Jazz are gonna be in the next chapter. REVIEW!**

**Love Ali**


	8. I'm Back! (Author's Note)

I'm back! After about a three year hiatus, I'm finally writing again and I can't wait to write some more stories! I wasn't feeling as motivated as I thought I would until I looked at the traffic for my stories…I was still getting views every day! Not as many as I used to, but still a good amount and I couldn't even believe it. The fact that people were still reading my stories despite the fact that they hadn't been updated in years made me want to cry. If you guys are writers, then you know how flattering it is for someone to take the time out of their day to read your little story and it truly warms my heart that I'm still getting views. I'm incredibly flattered and I hope I don't disappoint you lovely people with my new content.

Love, Taylor


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